pity you? never
by loverloverlover
Summary: a short story about luna hale and paul donnelly from krista & becca ritchie's na romance series, 'like us' - - - luna finds out about donnelly's rough past, and they talk about it. based on 'bonus scene #24: halloween party aftermath (farrow)' from kbr's patreon account. [t for some language and themes] [trigger warning for mentions of past drug use]


tw for mentions of past drug use! want more info? just message me :)

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_"I lower my voice to a deep whisper. 'You really want to spend another month, two months, or year seeing your client snort coke? What's more painful: watching that shit or losing Beckett as a client?' I don't mention that Beckett could quit using for him._

_Donnelly doesn't believe he will since Beckett won't even quit for his twin brother._

_He rubs the back of his neck. 'I dunno. The first one, I guess.'_

_Oscar pats his shoulder. 'You want to talk to him with us?'_

_He stares haunted at the floor, then shakes his head. 'Nah, I can't.' His eyes ping from me to Oscar. 'Will you guys just do it?'"_

* * *

Luna wasn't one to gossip. She was fantastic at keeping secrets, and a great listener to those who needed as ear because they knew that what they told her would never be heard by another soul. And actually, she _hated_ gossip because both her and her family have been the ridicule of many a tabloid over the years. She always tried to avoid gossip in her private life—that, at least, she could control—but this wasn't something that she could ignore. She's tried, _tried_ to push it to the back of her mind, but all she can think about are her parents and how they've dealt with something similar. She can't stop thinking about how even though they've overcome their addictions and are happy and healthy today, they didn't use to be. They used to be in a really dark place, and she hates to think that Donnelly may have been in the same boat.

She didn't mean to eavesdrop the other night, truly she didn't. She knew that it wasn't her place, but once she'd heard Donnelly's name through the crack in the door, she couldn't help but linger. Over the past few weeks, she's noticed his strange behavior—though he's likely always behaved this way and she's just now close enough to him to be able to notice that it's decidedly _not normal_—and she was desperate for some kind of explanation. Donnelly's always been an extremely private person about the things that matter, something that she wouldn't have expected of him given almost _everything_ about him, and getting any _real_ information out of him about his life was worse than pulling teeth. So, when she'd heard that fated line come out of Oscar's mouth— "his parents made him smoke meth when he was fourteen"—so many things about him fell into place.

She doesn't know if he was ever addicted to it—meth, that is—but she has enough tabs open on her laptop to know what the statistics are. That even if he hated drugs, and never wanted to take them again after he was forced to the first time, chances are that he did it anyway. She was aware that both of his parents were in jail, but now she knew _why_ and she couldn't help but think that she was better off in the dark because she's had a constant pit in her stomach ever since. Now, she can't unlearn these details about him, and she isn't sure how to handle the fact that _he doesn't know that she knows._ (Luna didn't even want to get into what she now knew about Beckett—that was a whole other beast.)

Luna snapped her laptop closed and groaned as she rolled over onto her back. Staring at the springs of the bunk above her—and at the plastic glow in the dark stars that she's tied to the wiring—she couldn't think of how to handle any of this.

"Sulli?" Luna asked. Her cousin, presumably popping out her headphones at the sound of Luna's voice, was on the bunk above her. "I have a hypothetical that I need your expertise with."

"Lay it on me, sister," Sulli replied.

"So, someone you… well someone you _like_ had a…" Lily sucked in a breath, tried to reorganize her thoughts, and began again. "Someone you like had an unfortunate childhood—to say the least—and they're still dealing with a lot of the ramifications of that childhood. They also used to do drugs, but you don't know how often or anything, and now they can't be around other people who use without it… I don't know, triggering any bad memories. Also, you know all of this information _not_ because they told you about it, but because you're a horrible person and overheard all of it when you weren't supposed to."

"A hypothetical, eh?" Sulli asked.

"Yeah, it's for a new story," Luna said quickly. "About an alien, and the girl she meets when she crash-lands on earth. What I need to know is, if you were in my…characters situation, what would you do?"

"Fuck, Lu, I don't know." Sulli sighed. "Is it a romantic thing… a friendship thing…?"

"Somewhere in-between, I guess," Luna responded. "I haven't decided where I want to take it yet, but with the personality my character has, I think they'd handle it the same no matter what type of relationship it was."

Sulli made a contemplative noise, and Luna was weirdly grateful that she didn't have to look at her cousin while she debated her answer. Luna knew that her face would betray her personal involvement in this 'hypothetical' immediately. It wasn't like she didn't trust her cousin with the truth, it's just that Luna wasn't even supposed to know about it. Adding another person in the loop was an actual recipe for disaster.

"I'm not quite sure if I would let on that I know anything," Sulli eventually said. "I would probably try to just fucking be there for them without letting on that I know anything out of the ordinary. But then I'd probably feel like shit for not saying anything, and I'd over compensate so much that all of the shit would likely blow up in my fucking face. Everything would be a literal cluster-fuck, so I guess my actual advice would be somewhere in the middle? Don't know what that fucking means, exactly, but there it is."

Luna hummed in acknowledgement.

"So, they should maybe bait the other person? That way, the other person would bring it up and _then_ they could talk about it?" Luna summarized.

"Now _that_ would be a cluster-fuck," Sulli snorted. "But maybe you can spin that so you can extend your story and add some more of that fucking angst you're always raving about."

"Yeah, _angst_," Luna muttered. "Because I need more of that."

.:..:.

Halloween came and went, and she still didn't see Donnelly, which may be for the best since she hadn't a clue how she'd broach the topic. Her dad's birthday was a family only party—which was the day after she figured everything out—so Farrow was the only bodyguard present. And then Sulli told her that Beckett, which she expected, got a new bodyguard—O'Malley from Epsilon, who she never had that much interaction with, especially since she turned eighteen and got a bodyguard from Omega—so Donnelly's been going through all the transfer stuff that Luna didn't altogether understand. Now, though, it's been a little over a week, and Xander told her yesterday that Donnelly was going to be his other full-time bodyguard—which means that he was going to be at her house when she sees her parents for dinner later.

She hasn't even _texted_ him since she'd gone to bed the night of Xander's fight—they hadn't yet gotten to the stage in their… entanglement where they did that regularly, nor were they the type of people who were reliant upon their phones anyway. So, sue her if she actually ran a brush through her hair before pulling on her sneakers.

Now, she was seated in the backseat of one of security's SUVs. Farrow was in the driver's seat—Moffy next to him, her brother leaning over the console towards his fiancé slightly—and there was another SUV behind them that was cutting off the paparazzi like pros. Whenever she rode with security, which was pretty much always, they usually ditched the paparazzi as soon as they could, but when they were going to her parents' house it was pretty much useless. It always made the rides longer.

Before she knew it, though, they were pulling into the driveway of her childhood home. She was the first one to hop out of the vehicle, and then she regretted her eagerness immediately when she knew she's likely to have to face Donnelly as soon as she steps through the foyer.

She pretended to tie her shoelace.

"Lulu!" Kinney called from her window on the second floor. "Get your _behind_ in here, I have _things_ to discuss with you. _Girl things."_

"Girl-y things, or _girl_ things," Luna called back, standing up and smiling. God, she loved her sister.

"_Girl_ things!" Kinney replied. "As in _Holly_ things, and it's in your job description as my big sis' to give me relationship advice."

Luna shook her head as she followed her family, and soon-to-be family, into the house. She gave her mom a tight hug as soon as she saw her. It's always slipping Luna's mind that she's taller than her mom now, and if she wants to be hugged as if she were still small, she has to bend her knees so her mom can pull her in properly. Her dad was next, and he was still the same. He was still stern looking and his eyes were still hard, but Luna has observed a certain softness in him—in his expressions—over the years that the public never has. He messes up her hair—so much for that brush—and pulls her in for a hug before lightly pushing her towards the staircase.

"Hello, I love you and it's good to see you, but _please_ go help your sister so she doesn't attempt anymore summoning circles," he said in greeting. "They freak your mother out."

"Hey!" her mom exclaimed. "You weren't supposed to say that! This is _group_ effort, Lo, you can't _expose_ me."

Before her dad could respond, her mom punched him in his shoulder, like she was known to do, and he mock winced—as he was known to do. He kissed her lips twice in quick succession and pulled her into his chest before using his free hand to shake Farrow's in greeting. Luna took this opportunity to bound up the stairs towards Kinney's room. And, of course, she knew that she'd have to pass Xander's door-less room to get there, but she didn't fully process that she could make eye-contact with Donnelly through the entryway.

But they did, of course they did, and she stopped in her tracks and just looked at him. They've only been hooking up for a few weeks now, and it's been a really sporadic thing, which Luna doesn't mind—she prefers it actually. He's seated on one of Xander's beanbag chairs, his thinly muscled—and heavily tattooed—arms braced on his knees. He's got a line of piercings up the side of his ear, and though she can't see it from here, she knows one of them is a little green alien that he snagged from her dresser. Really, it's sort of all Donnelly's fault that her plan for a series of random one-night stands has turned into a series of one-night stands with _only him._ He's just too good looking for his own good, and she's landed solidly on the Paul Donnelly train.

Realizing that she's been staring at him for a solid half-minute now, Luna jerks out of her thoughts with a shake of her head—which he, of course, interprets as, "hey, follow me, you great tattooed lug."

Too late to chicken out now, and trying to organize Sulli's subpar advice—though she'd cut her cousin some slack as Sulli didn't realize that it wasn't a hypothetical—Luna backed into her room across the way from Xander's, and left the door open behind her. Kinney and her Holly-esq problems, no matter how much Luna loved her, could wait.

She was facing away from the door, biting her nails—a nervous habit she hadn't done since middle school—when the door snicked shut and locked quietly behind her. She spun at once to look at him and forced herself to drop her hands to her sides.

"Hi," she greeted quietly.

"Hi…?" he replied cautiously, sensing her unusual awkwardness. "What's wrong?"

"I have to… um, I have to tell you something." Luna grimaced.

"Anything," he assured, taking a few steps into the room and sitting down on her childhood bed—_now that was an image,_ her brain side-tracked.

She moved to stand in front of him, so she could look at him while she spoke, and he fell into his casual touches that Luna had come to expect and cherish. She was standing in-between his open legs and his hands were warm from their place on the backs of her thighs. Luna placed her hands on his shoulders and took a deep breath.

"I—_oof!"_ Donnelly's lips cut her off before she could even begin—not that she was complaining. His lips were soft, and he was gentle, and his hands clenched on her legs for the briefest of moments. In perspective of their other kisses, this one was relatively short and he pulled back quickly, but it left her no less breathless than any of his other kisses.

"Sorry," he breathed. "You can start now."

He was grinning at her so openly that she couldn't help but smile back. Luna ran an affectionate hand through his hair, and took a deep breath.

"I overheard something the other day," she started. "Something that I probably shouldn't have, but did anyways and now I want you to know."

"Know?" He looked more serious now—worried, even—but she was comforted when he didn't remove his hands or slide away.

"I heard Oscar and Farrow talking to Beckett in security's townhouse," she said quietly. He stiffened under her hands, so she barreled on. "I'm so sorry, but I did and now I can't un-know what I know, and I want _you_ to know, and–"

"Shh, just give me a sec_,"_ he requested. "What _exactly_ did you hear?"

"I know what your parents are in jail for," she began quietly—slowly. "I know that you apparently struggle with being around drugs, and I know that your parents made you take meth when you were younger."

He trembled minutely under her touch, and he leaned forward to rest his head between her breasts. She felt him exhale heavily—his breath warm through her thin t-shirt—and she kept her hand securely in his hair, holding him closely and in place.

"I don't use anymore," he said into her chest. "Not since my parents got locked up and I got out of high school. Oscar and Farrow got me clean for good when I was seventeen—locked me in an apartment with them for three whole weeks and drove me up the fucking walls with their rambling. Then we all went to Yale and life… well, life moved on."

Donnelly pulled back to look at her, but then pulled her closer so the distance between them didn't really change. Her eyes felt hot at both his words and the look on his face right then, but she knew Donnelly wouldn't want her tears so she refused to let them fall.

"I know you don't use," she confirmed. "That's not why I brought it up. I brought it up because I felt… _slimy_ that I knew, but you hadn't been the one to tell me—not that I'm upset you didn't! You just needed to know I knew."

He just nodded.

"Can I ask you a question?" she asked. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to."

"Shoot, Luna," he assented.

"Will you tell me when things get rough for you?" she asked quickly, her words coming out in a rush. Then she began again without giving him time to answer, "I've spent the last week researching all of this 'till my eyes felt like they'd fall out, and I know that experiences you had while you were high—especially if-if surrounded by other trauma—can be triggered by random things. I also read about the common types of hallucinations, and it made me think about when you gave me those ideas for that fic about a month ago? About the… um, _shadow people?"_

He looked faraway when he replied this time.

"Well, my folks were always going on and on about the 'shadow people'," he began. "Even when I was five or six, I had nightmares about them coming into my room and stealing me away. Then they'd go on week long binges and they'd keep me awake right along with them—then I used for the first time, and I guess it had to do with proximity of some shit? Or maybe I was already a paranoid fuck, so adding a hallucinogenic just amplified my own anxieties and made a real mess of everything. Anyway, I started seeing the shadow people too, and these days—when I've had a particularly bad day or when I haven't slept good in a while—they-they pop back up."

"Paul," she whispered, cupping his cheek gently.

"I don't want pity," he said, looking up at her strongly. But still, he didn't pull away. "And to answer your question—if you _really_ want me to—I can tell you when it's a bad day. I mean, after we leave this room, I don't want to talk about this for _at least_ another decade, but I'll tell you when it's bad, Lu."

"Thank you," she said.

This time, she kissed him. This kiss, somehow, felt _more_ than any other kiss they'd ever shared, and it was the first time Luna felt that she _might_ actually be in a relationship after all. It was, for lack of a better word, a messy kiss—all bumped teeth and mashed noses and hot breaths—but it was so utterly real that a single tear finally escaped from behind her closed eyelid.

A banging at the door startled them apart, and Luna almost jumped clear out of her skin. She _did_ jump away from Donnelly, but he stood and followed her movements because he, of course, remembered that he'd locked the doors.

"Luna Hale!" her sister yelled. "When I said 'things,' I should've said _emergency things!_ Get out here, _please_."

"Yeah, I'm coming!" Luna said roughly. She cleared her throat.

Donnelly used his thumb to wipe away her tear, and then he kissed where it had tracked its way down her cheek. He patted her butt twice, and almost all traces of their previous conversation were gone from his face when he said, "I'll wait a minute and then follow you out when no one's paying attention."

She smiled to show she understood. He flopped back down on her bed—_Luna no,_ she thought,_ you must resist the urge to join him or your father _will_ find you in here together_—so she walked to the door alone. With her hand on the knob, she turned back to him.

"And Paul," she called. She rarely used his first name, and, actually, two out of the three times she's ever called him 'Paul' out-loud were in this very room and occurred within the last ten minutes. He turned his head towards her and raised an eyebrow. "Pity you? Never."

Luna turned the lock and opened the door.

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this is un-beta'd, but i love her anyway. if you see a grammatical error, mind ya business kjsdks

just kidding, just kidding, i really hope you enjoyed it. thank you so much for reading!

favorites and reviews will give me the strength to finish my english hw lol


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